Original Question:
I asked him to apologize for leading me on and hurting me. He refused to do so. Why can’t he apologize if he knows that after 2.5 years, I am still stuck on it? I got blocked instead. Why?
Answer:
The simple answer is this. In a mindset of self-serving existence, a person only serves what they want or need. It does not matter who they hurt in the process of serving themself, because they only see others as an opportunity to get what they want/need. Nothing more and nothing less. In their distorted view - other people only exist to be used to please their wants/needs.
The irony is, these kinds of people are highly indignant if someone were to treat them with the same indifference and disregard they show to others. Why, because life is ALL and ONLY about them. They feel entitled that everyone is supposed to cater to them regardless of how they behave.
The person who you were dealing with, clearly does NOT care how you feel, what you need or want. None of those things matter because his life is all and only about him. This is why he led you on and hurt you in the first place. And, of course, feels no need to apologize to you or anyone else for what he does.
Understand, his behavior, words and/or actions are not about you - meaning, his behavior does not mean you are unlovable, unworthy, have no value or undeserving of kindness and respect. His inconsiderate behavior towards you only means - he is an inconsiderate, selfish person. This only speaks of him, not you.
If you are a kind, caring, loving, compassionate person - it is difficult to get your mind around people who are so selfish, cruel and indifferent. We would never treat people that way. Yet, we must understand everyone else does not think as we do- therefore, how they treat us or others is not the way we would do it. There are simply some people who are only “I” focused - what “I” want, what “I” need.
Waiting around for someone else to do the right thing (take accountability and step up) before we can heal and move on, only leaves us stuck in pain. It is like handing someone else the keys to our car, expecting them to drive and then, being upset that they didn’t take us where we wanted to go. Don’t hand your keys over to other people – you are the only one who is supposed to be in the driver’s seat of your own life.
Take your keys, get in the driver’s seat and take yourself to that place of healing, wholeness and happiness. If you don’t know how to drive (be in the power seat of your life) – there are people who are experienced, skilled and trained in such knowledge who can teach you how.
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ou do not need someone’s ownership of wrongful behavior nor accountability in order to heal yourself, be happy, be whole and move one. That is your responsibility to yourself. Your healing, happiness and wellbeing is not nor should it ever be dependent on someone else’s validation or apology. That is 100% up to you to do.
The very IMPORTANT thing to know and remember is this. How someone treats or mistreats you is not the definition of your value, worth or degree of lovability as a person. You define that, not others. If someone treats you poorly- it does not mean you deserved it nor is it a reflection of you - it is a reflection of their brokenness and dysfunctional existence. And, that is not your problem to fix nor is it someone else’s responsibility to fix you. Only you are responsible to heal and grow you.
Know your worth. You do not need anyone else’s apology, permission or approval to love, honor and respect yourself nor heal wounds that others have inflicted. Give those beautiful gifts to yourself.
Sharing the light of truth, knowledge, wisdom and greater understanding,
Kathy the IronButterfly
Transformational Life Coach Communications Strategist
Motivational Speaker and Writer